I Like This

I thought I would clarify a few things with this post. Bacon comes from pigs. The Guillotine is shockingly humane compared to the executioners axe. One swift, fairly clean chop or five unclean vicious hacks, do the math. Utah entered the United States as a slave state. Green jello is disgusting. The 70's are over, cut your hair fool. There is no such thing as free love, just free STDs. Historically, Europeans have screwed over almost every human race on the planet. Manifest destiny is just a fancy word for murder. Your parents like each other... sexually.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Bliss

Hello all,

I love college students. Not all of them mind you, just the majority. Please, bring your personal beliefs and naivety into the classroom. Don't think about questions long enough to develop your own views, just live off the views of your parents. Who needs personal identity? Personally, I enjoy being a mindless follower and so should everyone else. Morality is the great filter of all things. When I witness irrational behavior as a product of shitty conditions, I base my analysis strictly on my own personal moral code of conduct. If for example, someone robs a bank in order to provide for their family, I believe they should be pulled into the street and shot in the face. This is simply a moral decision. Theft is wrong, and therefore we must purge the gene pool. I will not think about what I will do when faced with the same situation. My job is not to think, but simply observe and condemn. I am amazed at this revolutionary perspective. If only humanity had developed this amount of intellectual prowess earlier.

Kill yourself… you are worthless.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Favorite Things

A comprehensive list of my favorite things:
Cold-ass rain
Hangnails
Humanity
Insurance
My mother, sister, grandmother.
Optimism

Paper Cuts
Poverty
Religion
Root Canals
Snow

Solicitors
Stitches
Telemarketers
I especially like it when I experience all of these in one sitting! What the hell is wrong with people!

Thank you for that,

AOS

Dissection

I have decided how I want to die... well, I have a few ideas anyway. First I would like to be disemboweled, tied to a truck by my entrails, lit on fire and dragged down the freeway for 10 miles (at least). Another idea I had was to be dissected slowly over the span of about 3 weeks. Between having my limbs severed and pieces of my brain removed I would be hung by my ribcage from a meat hook along with my childhood friends... for company. Keep in mind these ideas are still in the development phase... I am always open for ideas.
Thank you for that,
AOS

Swearing Makes Me Smile

Vulgarity is a glorious thing. Sporadic bursts of cursing is like breathing for me. Turrets perhaps... or as I like to think, a healthy liking for the better things in life. I am sad when I miss the opportunity to use the more colorful language I have acquired during my military service. In some of my more creative moods I can create and combine words to make new ones!

Thank you for that,

AOS

Humanity

Humanity disgusts me. I see it walking down the street and I can tell that it needs to be flipped off. I consider what I do a public service. If I see work that needs to be done, I do it, thats how I roll. It's just a selfless act that I should probably get a medal for... a gold metal. Some things that I believe should be rewarded with the finger are; smiling, laughing, talking to yourself, talking to others and breathing. If you find yourself doing any of these things than just remember that I have every right to flip you the bird. If you find this unfair than write your congressman.
Thank you for that,
AOS

Hooked

I am hooked on the office for sure, but Pam and Jim need to make sweet love already!

Thank you for that,

AOS

Year

Happy New Year! This year my goal is to write more posts. See, I am doing so well! In addition, I would like to conquer the world before 2010... Yes, that would be nice. If I get a chance I would like to build a jet pack, but that is somewhat unrealistic so I am not going to hold my breath.
I have decided to be cremated by the way. Who honestly needs another cold lifeless corpse lying around? There are already so many. Maybe I will be made into a douche and run through one more time. (that's the plan).
I love driving in the snow, it is like... wet... and cold... and slick! I came to this conclusion recently as I slid through an intersection toward a moving truck. Good times!
Oh yeah, if I happen to cut you off on the road it's probably not because I am sliding out of control, I probably just cut you off because I'm an asshole. Do not worry it is nothing personal. Well... maybe.
What new adventures lay in store for me this coming year? Who knows, but I will keep you posted.
Thank you for that,
AOS

Three

1. Christmas is over and my present was "The Dark Knight." Lets face it... it should have been called "The Joker Gives Me A Chubby." The joker is a role model for all ages as well as a true visionary. My favorite part of the movie was when he burned the enormous stack/pile of cash. It brought a tear to my eye. You can't top that. I can only hope that someday I can have life that figured out. If you haven't seen this movie, you must... immediately. No excuses.

2. Also, the little furry thing in "Horton Hears A Who" is amazing, I think her name is Katie. Norte says she is evil... I agree.

3. Grandma, stop sending me letters. You are a whore.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Finally Finished with Finals

This picture has nothing to do with the rest of the post! I just like it. If you look close you can read the sign in the window.
I hate finals, they are sinister, vile, creations, spawned from the bowels of the underworld. The good thing about being done is that I no longer have to worry about failing, one way or another. I am going to watch Congo to celebrate. It is good according to a very informed informant of mine. Sorry about the lack of postage, I have been very busy... being indited. Yep, indited for awesomeness and a love of another vile creation known as anime. Hopefully the charges will be dropped because, I have to say, I am most definitely guilty.
I have a question, where is Mr. and Mrs. Sandler, you know, their son is named Adam. Does he even have parents? I certainly have never seen them. My theory is that he popped into existence when a gaseous cloud of kickass collided with a highly magnetized meteor of bustagut.

Thank you for that,

AOS

You know you like it...

It is a well known fact that I enjoy me some anime on occasion, and when I say occasion I mean everyday.

Surprisingly, this is not a well known fact. If you don't believe me give it a try.
This one pretty much sums it up.

I Relate

As I walked through Walmart today I couldn't help but wonder what people would look like without their skin, more specifically, if I removed it for them with a fillet knife... starting with the ankles. I don't think killers, thieves and overall "bad guys" are really that bad. Someone may, for instance, kill their parents and hide their bodies in the attic. That is okay with me, but hey, this is coming from a guy that relates better with villains than self-righteous heroes.
Thank you for that,
AOS

The Loneliest Ranger

Co-G is the only one that comments on my blog. I am the lone ranger.
Thank you for that,
AOS

Shocking!

Hero?

It took me a while to write this post. Mostly because I needed to sort out my own feelings. Not a fan of cannons going off in the middle of class. Soiling yourself in public sucks... if you don't believe me, try it!
If I could go back and do it all over again I would be nicer to my recruiter. So I could lure him out into the street and beat him until he pissed blood. I would like to say I would do it all over again, but that would mean putting my beautiful wife through some of the most lonely and painful experiences a person can live through. No, I would not do it again.
With that said I would just like to thank my wife for waiting at home for me. We missed our first, second and third anniversaries, and even though I would like to say the war is over for me and my family, it's not. It will take a lot of therapy for me to resemble the man I was before I left, so even though I am home, the man I was died in Iraq. This is my deepest regret. Thank you for loving who I am... even when I don't know who that is.
Body parts, brain matter and corpses are okay with me. I'm not a big fan of humanity, but the pain and loneliness that my wife went through is something I will never be able to wrap my head around.
Thank you Mason for being there for me through the best and the worst. I owe you my life.
Patrick, Norte and Co-G. Thank you for your friendship and unconditional support.
Thank you for that,
AOS

Every man for himself...

If anyone out their would like to join the military please leave a brief comment so I can verbally kick the shit out of you. Apparently my year and a half in Iraq doesn't count for a damn thing because the 1607 (more money for school) no longer applies to me. This is because I have recently been honorably discharged from the military, and so now I can honorably bend over and grab my ankles. I hate to think what would have happened if I had been dishonorably discharged! Thank you Army, for the opportunity to risk my life over and over just to come home and be cut off from all financial and medical assistance.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Moral Development

1. If your name is Bill, Gordon I. or GI Bill for short, and you think I owe you a Goddamn thing, you are wrong!
2. If your name is Bishop _________ you should keep your opinion to yourself.
3. If your morals stop you from being with the person you want to be with the most, your morals are fucked!
4. If you think you're better then anyone else, you're not.
5. If you think you're a bad person because someone else told you so, you might be... but probably not.
6. If you think you have life figured out, do something hard.
7. If you can't stand up for what you believe in, dispite what other people think of you, I think you're a dumb ass!
8. If you think you can go through your entire life walking on people, you haven't met me.
9. If you spend all of your time thinking WWJD you wont get anything done.
10. If you don't like this post, fuck you.
Thank you for that,
AOS

I Voted!

10 reasons why I wrote in Co-G

1. He is an avid reader of my blog

2. He has a plethora of common sense

3. He is honest... I think (if not, no one would know the difference)

4. His posts make me smile

5. His parents are not Muslim

6. His health is impeccable

7. He salutes the flag

8. He doesn't claim to be republican when he's really a Democrat

9. He would take a big proverbial crap in the mouth of terrorism

10. I have a big man-crush on him

Thank you for that,

AOS

Are you not entertained?

Is it just me or is it really sad that the gladiator games ended a couple hundred years ago? I can think of no better way to clean out our prisons and reduce taxes. The government could make way more money selling tickets to the games. We could also give all the sad animals at the zoo something to do with their time. I don't think we should kill Jews specifically but there are a few people I wouldn't mind seeing get torn apart by ravenous beasts!

WTF?

I haven't blogged in a while! Sorry for the lack of postage, I got really busy getting my ass kicked by life. I hate all of my professors this semester! My exams are all essay questions... so subjective. Why don't you just grade me on how much you like me... oh wait, you are! Not only do I feel stupid but I'm pretty sure my hatred for my professors is only rivaled by their hatred for me.

My car is a ginormous turd! It crapped itself last week and I can't pay to fix it without becoming a drug dealer, or bank robber...

Yeah my life looks a lot like the economy right now, except no one is throwing 700,000,000,000 dollars at me!

Thank you for that,

AOS

AOS for President!

This is a list of reasons why I can never be the president.

1. I don't have a clean past. I once took a dollar from my sister and told her; "the tooth fairy ripped you off."

2. I swear way to much!

3. I kick people.

4. My teeth are a little crooked, (kind of like my morals).

5. I have homicidal tendencies, (and uncontrollable narcissistic rage).

6. I hate tomatoes.

7. I lie just for fun... not because it benefits me in any way.

8. I would just bomb Iraq. Yep, just bomb it off the face of the earth.

9. I am bent on world domination.

10. I think a nuclear war would be amusing.

11. The only impressive item on my job resume is my high score on frogger.

12. I can't be nice to stupid people, (I really suck at it).

13. I don't have affairs with random women.

14. I have never smoked pot, (well there was that one time...)

15. I would say "your momma" in a presidential debate.

16. I punch things in my sleep, including my wife.

17. My second toe is longer then my "big toe."

18. I make faces at people.

19. I bark at cars.

20. Sometimes I pick my nose when no one is looking.

21. I have never choked on a pretzel.

22. I have problems with "authority," (that could be a problem).

23. I put my feet on things when I sit down.

24. I don't bath regularly.

25. No more high speed chases for me.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Quandaries...

Life means suffering.
The origin of suffering is attachment.
The cessation of suffering is attainable.
The path to the cessation of suffering.

OK, I'm not Buddhist, but these guys have it together. I would have to argue that severing all attachment is a wimpy way to deal with suffering, (The extermination of the human race should due nicely). Honestly attachment is the only reason to live. For example; I don't have a lot of attachment because that's just me. Does that make me more spiritual then anyone else, obviously not. I think everyone has to find a balance in their life of how much attachment they can handle. I can't handle being attached to humanity because there is no way to stop all of the suffering. Why suffer along with them. Obviously this does not mean becoming completely ignorant of the state of the world, but not getting emotionally involved seems to be the best course.

Weeding out all of the people that cause the suffering, (rapists, murderers & child abusers) is really the only solution. When someone turns 18 they should be 100% accountable for their actions. If they ruin a life they get shot. 1 ten cent bullet for a person worth only ten cents, sounds fair to me. There is only one problem that I can see, everyone does mean and hurtful things, so wouldn't that ultimately lead to genocide? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it would just breed a society of underhanded intellectuals that can never be fully proven guilty? Well, I don't know so leave your comments below if you want to rule the world.

AOS?

Why anonymity?

I believe everyone should have an anonymous blog or two. It allows you to express your opinion without expectations or an inner critique to speak of. Does this blog reveal my true self? No... and yes. This is me, or at least the darkest part of me. The part that other people are too afraid to show or even admit they have. The dark side of my personality that I can only be when I sit down and write these posts. Do I really hate my grandmother? Yes. Do I think my sister is a prostitute? Of course. Just not when I am feeling charitable. In those brief moments I find myself thinking of them more as experienced (STD ridden) nymphos. Hate AOS if you wish, but remember that there are different sides to everyone, even you. I am just more open with my alter ego then most.

My thoughts today;

As I walk down the street I find myself "people watching." You know, measuring the worth of individuals among the mindless herds of humans that cross your path. I think; "would someone miss that person if I smothered them to death and put them piece by piece down my garbage disposal?" Probably not.

Thank you for that,

AOS

The Best Things In Life...

Some of my (not) favorite things in no particular order;

Rainbows & Butterflies

My Mother & Father (they are probably the most worthless people I know... without them I would never have gotten this good at recognizing "the stupids")

My Younger Sister (the world doesn't need anymore of your hell-spawn, you prostitute)

Her Husband (If I could kill him and get away with it, I would)

My Younger Brothers (I'm sorry you are still at home)

Religion (for destroying some of my favorite people by smothering their personality)

My Grandmother (thank you for ruining the lives of everyone you come in contact with)

Humanity (AKA; God's greatest mistake)

.

Some of my (real) favorite things in no particular order;

My Wife, My Minjas, Norte (I count him as one of the minjas too... cause he is so short), Mason, The-Patrick, Co-G

Fate/Stay Night (newest anime fetish)

Zoloft

Sunsets (mostly cause I've never seen a sunrise... never want to)

Imagination/Insanity (reality is a bowel full o' shit)

Cheezits!

Money (I'm using my imagination)

Trogdor

Guitar Hero 1-infinity (yes, even the ones that haven't been made yet)

Thank you for that,

AOS

Why?

Why? Why does humanity continue to exist? It goes against the laws of nature for that much stupid to fit into such a small area. Everything has an opposite, right? Well, where the hell is all the smart? No wonder people buy into ridiculous ideas like hope and compassion. When you are surrounded by so much stupid you have to, otherwise you would go insane! Today the last of my sanity is hanging by a thread. I want to lite myself on fire. For all of you that had a good day, please share, I could really use whatever drug you are taking. If you are not abusing illegal drugs then you have already gone completely insane, in which case, I will be joining you soon.

P.S. I am working on developing a way to incinerate people with my mind. If I am successful, I will have taken over the world by the end of this week. If not, I will just have to keep trying. It's only a matter of time.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Gems

Gems of wisdom. Those select moments when you decide to say something so smart, so intellectual, that everyone around you busts a gut. You know, the times when you feel like you finally have something important and useful to say, so you screw it up. After that, no one can take you seriously ever again. Don't feel bad, it happens to everyone (not as bad as it happens to you cause you're stupid... but overall, sure). In the end you just have to conclude that there is definitely something in your brain that is malfunctioning. These are a few of my favorites;

"Girls are not boys!" REALLY!?!

"President Hinkey." WHO?

"I could be a millionaire, except I would need money to do it." NO SHIT.

"Costa Rio." WHERE?

"Your mother!" Okay, there is just no way to say it like that and sound cool.

"You horno!" HORNY/PORNO?

"Gay fag!" Okay, so straight?

"Who has the butt... I mean... the butt?" The basketball?

"Princel." Princess pencil?

There are many, many more. I wish I could remember them all. No worries though, I'm sure there is more where that came from.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Random (Again)

#1 Mind your business. My new favorite thing is having people join my conversation without a permit. Yes, you have to get a permit. Unauthorized conversation crashers! If you walk into the bathroom and someone is crapping themselves you don't ask to join them... do you? Don't ask to join my conversation. Odds are I am talking bad about you (or your mom) so go away and let me finish! No privacy, that's what it is.

#22 What do you think your brain would look like if you put your head in a paint-shaker machine? Probably the same.

#53 I've been thinking. Why do humans like to be told what to do? I don't understand the benefits in that. I guess you don't have to use your paint-shaker brain, but besides just plain laziness what the hell is the point. Mostly I am saying this about seniority and people that think they have life figured out. If you have life figured out then you really haven't lived.

#2 If you get the chance to rip someone off today don't do it... bad karma.

#7 Never cheat on tests, you will always get caught, dumbass.

#199 If you get the chance to slam someones leg in a car door take it... opportunities like that are too rare to pass up. Karma will understand.

#76 I can't believe you are still reading this.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Random

I am in the MOST random mood so I'm just going to express myself however I want. I guess I usually do that anyway but today I really have nothing to say. I just started school and I am busy out of my mind. No, really... I am going to therapy because I lost my freakin mind. I have pretty much decided that I should be a millionaire, so I'm working on it. I think the first thing I will do when I have more money then God is buy an island to get the hell away from humanity. That is definitely the plan. Then I will walk around my house completely nude. Yep, butt ass naked! Maybe get a tattoo of Norte's face on my butt-cheek. On Sundays I will go fishing with dynamite and just sleep through Monday until Tuesday. Nobody likes Monday anyway so I will refuse to even acknowledge its existence... plus, everything bad that has happened in my life has happened on a GD Monday! Tuesday is way better and its named after one of my favorite restaurants, Ruby Tuesday. Take that Monday (you rotten SOB)! Wow I guess it really is a good thing I am going to therapy.
Thank you for that,
AOS

Very, Very, Guilty Pleasures!

1. Dora the explorer is a HOTTIE! Can't get enough. There really is no such thing as too much Dora. Sometimes I pretend I am boots in this picture... trying to grab her sexy tush.

2. RPGs... not rocket propelled grenades. The costumes are too hott to handle. I often find myself running around the house slaying dragons in this exact costume.

3. Cheezits. I find myself all too often holding a cheezit box with this same expression.

4. Walmart. There's nothing quite like having someone so close it feels like they are crawling up my ass... keeps me coming back for more.

5. Rollercoaster rides, cause its always fun to see peoples' reactions when I roll a shitlet out of my pant leg.

Thank you for that,
AOS

Bastards!

Why the hell is china hosting the Olympics? I understand that some people may feel sorry for squinty eyed midgets, but letting them host is like giving me a handgun. Crap happens! One minute you're thinking about how nice it is to have a semi-normal shaped head, and the next thing you know your brain is painting the wall. China shot the Olympic games in the frontal lobe (metaphorically speaking). Why hasn't the world decided to painfully and systematically purge the world of these communist bastards? Maybe it's a pity thing, like when cheerleaders go out with ugly kids. In the end you are only going to make them feel important, which is the farthest thing from the truth. To be fair we should let Iraq host. I don't care what anyone says, suicide bombing is a sport (every Iraqi's favorite national pastime in fact). I'm not saying china as a nation is incompetent, just the people in charge.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Gold Medal

Is it just me or is the school of stupid out for the summer? Drivers everywhere are flocking from around the globe to cut me off. It's like the olympics are back in utah and stupid is a new sport. Well, I've seen a few gold metal winners.

Here are a few fun facts. Did you know that;

1. It's okay to go the speed limit?

2. It's okay to signal?

3. Both of my drivers ed teachers died in horrific car crashes and I still drive better then you?

4. My dead drivers ed teachers drive better than you?

Thank you for that,

AOS

Inevitability?

Is humanity destined to destroy itself? Let me clarify. I am not talking about the kind of destiny that is controlled by some higher power, but rather a path that humanity will inevitably follow. I would sure hope so, because I certainly can't do everything myself.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Hotrod

Why would you drive a hotrod fast? I don't see any reason to drive a high performance vehicle any faster then a cardboard box with wheels. Hell, I wouldn't drive faster then i can walk. Old retirees piss me off. They either forgot how to drive, can't see, or drive slow because they want me to drive my car right up their hole. Personally I think it's the later. But if I'm wrong, then they shouldn't be driving anyway. I hope I die at the ripe old age of 25, driving a stolen hotrod twice the posted speed limit. With any luck I will take a few worthless human beings with me, preferably some retirees.
Thank you for that,
AOS

Viva la anime!

Anime is good times. If you don't like it then you must have bumped your freakin head as a child. I admit that some anime should be taken into the backyard and put down, but there are a select few in which I do find value (just like some of you).

First of all, Full Metal Alchemist is some other shit. Two kids try to bring their mother back from the grave... But it doesn't work out so well. The littlest brother gets completely destroyed and the older one literally gives an arm and leg to bind his brother's soul to a suit of armor. Pretty interesting. I think my brother would just say, "to hell with it" and keep his limbs.

Secondly, Bleach is spectacularly bloody. It's physically impossible to lose that much blood and survive. When the writer dies I want to cast his/her head in bronze and create a small shrine in my living room. If you decide to watch this show please let me know, I'll hug you for an extremely awkward amount of time.

Thirdly, Naruto is a show that starts slowly, but if you can get past the first few episodes you will be in good shape. I watched one the other day where the Kyuubi (fox demon) got so pissed that it started coming out of Naruto's body (ripping all of his skin off). That is good times right there!

Lastly I have more recently discovered a show called Death Note. My favorite character is a Death God that follows the "main character" around (I think the Death God should be the main character personally) and gets pleasure from watching the "main character" dispatch people in various, agonizing, ways.

I would just like to thank Norte for inspiring me to write this post.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Conservative Ginger

I like to think I am a smart guy, but if you are like me you probably don't understand a damn thing Co-G says because you are just too stupid. Its okay to admit it, just call me and I will come over and give you a hug. He is destined for great things and if he ever runs for president he has my vote. If you haven't looked at his blog, you should. However, if you are a politician I suggest you use the bathroom first (there is way to much common sense to handle). Okay, five things I know... or suspect about Co-G.

First, if common sense were explosive Co-G would have enough to hijack a plane. It's true, he did it.

Second, Co-G is an old time partner in crime with Norte and The Patrick. Anyone with balls that big has to wear a weight belt to carry that shit around. Together these three make up the holy trinity of holy shit! That would make Co-G the Holy Spirit, or still small voice that tells you when you are being a dumbass.

Third, at first glance Co-G's car appears to be a low rider, when in fact there is no less then three bodies in his trunk at any given time... the first time he showed me I throw up in my shirt.

Fourth, this may come as a surprise given what I have already told you but Co-G does not believe in violence... well, too much violence. The people in his trunk took such a verbal beating that they crapped themselves to death. Co-G just drives them over to the station and drops them off because the cops know the drill by now. On that note, it would behoove you not to drive past the station on Tuesdays (because the smell can melt your engine).
Fifth, Co-G looks young, but he is actually older then Jesus. Apparently when you become the embodiment of reason your physiology changes. So when he talks about the dual between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton, he knows because he was there.
P.S. Co-G's common sense only works on you if you have some sort of intellectual prowess. This is the reason I try to remain as ignorant as possible... and use the bathroom before I read his blog. You would be wise to do the same.
Thank you for that,
AOS

Religion

So, I really like poking fun of people’s beliefs, its one at my favorite pastimes I guess. Some of my personal beliefs are these; if your car breaks, fix it. If you run out of toilet paper, buy more. God really doesn't give a damn what cereal you eat tomorrow, or what you wear. Some people believe that they need to pray for some really dumb ass things. God is not going to wipe your ass for you.
Well... I am starting to feel better already.
Religion has a tendency to breed stupidity. If you are offended by me saying this then I am talking about you, so please go into your room and ask God to end your life because you are incapable of even doing that right by yourself.

On a more positive note, Catholics kick ass. They repent and then do whatever the hell they want! I'm still not sure about Buddhist however. They might be wrong about the world being one of Buddha’s bugers... I think it might be a shitlet or something. Buddhists are alright by me. Mormons are good too. Okay, so they can't parent, that’s not so bad. And I guess there's that whole polygamy thing too, where they decided they were way too hot for only one wife. Then, after thousands of Mormons died from persecution they decided that it wasn't such a good idea after all. At least they are better then the F'd LDS church (the name says it all). If you like sleeping with children then that is the religion for you.

It is time for my all time favorite religion... are you excited?
Muslims. Muslims win hands down! Apparently they believe in blowing people up. That's aright though; at least they are willing to blow themselves up too. I don't have a problem with that, and nether did the U.S.... until they were humiliated in front of the whole world. Yep, they crapped themselves over that one... multiple times. I really love the war (if you have any questions please see the post called "Iraq... wow").
That was all I wanted to say, so if you don't like it please leave a comment. AOS is a blog that encourages free speach. With that said, if you leave a comment that I don't like I will simply mail you a bomb.
P.S. If a mysterious package comes to your door, don't ask questions, just open it.
Thank you for that,
AOS

The Patrick

The Patrick is a hard core unicorn rights activist. The first time I met him I thought he was kidding, but he is fighting for unicorns around the world and honestly I think he might save them from extinction. Also, if there is someone that is more sarcastic then myself, it would be him. I have made a short list of things you should know about The Patrick before you decide to kick a unicorn.
First, The Patrick is a supervisor from hell; he will literally supervise the shit right out of you!
Second, The Patrick went to Iraq and I heard somewhere that he killed over 1,000 Iraqi insurance with the jaw bone of a unicorn. This is no shit; he went Sampson on their asses!
Third, The Patrick does not tolerate band bashing. He tore out someone’s spinal column and beat them to death with it right in front of me (I never got the blood out of my shirt, or my underwear cause I sharted so hard).
Forth, The Patrick will destroy your points for the week. I saw him give a 201 to his own mother, Jesus, and the Dali lama in one sitting.
Fifth, I don't know for sure, but I heard that The Patrick has blood ties to the mob. I thought I heard an Italian accent the other day, (I will continue to investigate and keep you updated).
If you see The Patrick on the street do not make any sudden movements and never sing Nickleback in his presence. I will not be held responsible for any serious injury, loss of spine or death that results from not following these instructions.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Norte

I will be setting aside my HWSCT (heavy weight sarcasm championship title), believe it or not, because I would like to dedicate the next few posts to the people of whom I find value. If any of this goes over your head then please feel free to wonder for the rest of your life.

There are a few things that everyone should know about Norte; First, he is fascinated/terrified by zombies. Okay, so I used to think zombies were lame, but if Norte is afraid of them then I have a new found respect for their slow, deformed asses.
Second, Norte is a born killer, I strait up sharted myself the first time I saw him (I had to throw my underwear away). Some of you that know him might think I am making this up; obviously you have never looked into the face of death itself to realize that in all actuality it is the face of Norte. I think more then anything it is the cold calm look of a killer that drove an ice pick through my spleen.
Third, Norte is a monster on the guitar. You really can't see his fingers at all (I called 911 the first time I saw it because I thought there was some sort of freak accident and his guitar strings sliced his fingers off).
Forth, Norte is a sexy beast. Sometimes I forget that I'm straight when I'm around him. Trust me, no one is safe.
Fifth, Norte is a master of pain. He lightly tapped me on the back of the head and my left eye will twitch for the rest of eternity.
These are all things that you should know before approaching Norte.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Sunni vs. Shiite

What the hell is the difference... honestly! I can fix the war with one very simple answer to a very simple problem. The U.S. should pick one. Sunni or Shiite, who cares. Pick a side and crush the other side, the victor will love us and the loser will be dead... let God sort them out (or Allah, whatever). While I'm at it I can solve world hunger. Cannibalism my friends, cannibalism. Eat the losers... just eat them. At least they will be good for something. So there you have it, the end of the war, hunger, and political correctness.

Thank you for that,

AOS

Iraq... wow.

The military is so cool. I like it mostly because the leadership is so concerned with looking good that they have completely forgotten how to do their jobs. Why do we have a military? The only thing a military is good for is fighting, and we are so concerned with technical B.S. that we can't even manage that. Who cares how the war is going? As long as you're wearing the right uniform you're fine. The reason the war is taking so long is because the Iraqi government is to busy struggling for air to pull their head out of their ass, and the U.S. is looking so good that they can't do their job. Troops are dying in Iraq because they are so swamped with red tape and keeping up appearances. I love the military.

The Marines = marines are well known for their stupidity... but on a brighter note (no pun intended) they make great bullet stoppers!
The Navy = all pirates, (you know the kind I mean).
The Air Force = lazy, so lazy... why do we have an air force?
The Army = lets go recruiting in the poorest, most uneducated places we can, okay?
Recruiters = you thought lawyers were bad?

Thank you for that,

AOS

Adult Diapers

Its been a while since the last post. I think it's time to say something about current events.

Hilary looks great to anyone that doesn't look too deep. The fact that people have disappeared for getting in her way is, in my view, an admirable quality... but not for someone that wants to run the country. If you think she is awesome then so are you (there is that sarcasm acting up again).

Obama is a watered down Hilary that doesn't have the balls to get rid of people that get in his way. Gutless... not something I would like our next president to be either. He says the exact same things that Hilary does, only dumber (really though, he copied one of her speeches word for word).

Dear McCain,
You are not a republican so please stop posing and choke on your last breath (very likely). You like the war, you can't speak in public, you promise a lot of stuff without actually having a coherent plan and I don't want a president that wears diapers.
Thank you for that,
AOS

The Path To Ultimate Coolness

I really like... no scratch that... love people that do not appreciate what they have. Personally I don't appreciate anything anyone does for me. Screw you for trying to help. Hell, if I went around being as helpful as you people I would have to (as The Patrick would say) shoot myself in the face. I am the greatest.

I have been lucky enough to come across an exceedingly large amount of people lately that are awesome like this. If you don't appreciate what everyone does for you then you should get a trophy for awesomeness. I am glad that you have no gratitude in your heart to speak of. As we all know, gratitude is just a speed bump on the path to ultimate coolness. If I ever get caught saying thank you I am going to have to kill all witnessess.

No thank you for that,
AOS

Social Skills

So. . . it never ceases to amaze me how socially awesome people are. When I go to a public place I usually like to touch people I don't know. I try to talk to everyone. I mean, I know that everyone has a life and things to do but I also know that if they just sat down and let me pat them on the face and ask them extremely intrusive questions they would forget about their problems. I have been pleased to come into contact with people that also use this tactic and I have to say I forgot my problems. I think we should just throw social skills out the window, don't you?

Thank you for that,

AOS

Medal of Vehicular Honor

I love Utah drivers. Utah drivers are the very coolest people in the universe. I don't know why the federal government doesn't give them a medal of vehicular honor for their meritorious service on the road. I decided to write this post because I could not contain my overwhelming gratitude to all you people that drive in Utah. I also was wondering if one of you could write a book about how you got so cool so I can learn to be as awesome as you.

Thank you for that,
AOS

Happy People

I like happy people. They make me want to dance and sing and hug butterflies. I know that it sounds stupid but just seeing someone that can keep a smile on their face, regardless of the fact that people are dying, does my heart good. who cares that we are at war for reasons that are shady at best? Who cares that the economy is crappy? Who cares that you have to give your first born child for a gallon of gas? Life is good. Thank all you people that smile for reminding me how to completely ignore that fact that life is a ginormous steaming cow ploppy.

Thank you for that,
AOS

Capital Punishment

I would just like to write a brief note to all of you that use excuses to do whatever the hell you want. You are awesome. You should continue stealing air from those of us that deserve to live. Please, don't trouble yourself with the burden of guilt just because you do terrible things.

.

Thank you for that,
AOS

I HATE YOU

I work with a population of people that should have been aborted, and I think they would have been if their parents weren't to busy getting their asses kicked by life. I go home every night and fantasize about dispatching them in brutal, agonizing ways. For example, tying them to my vehicle, lighting them on fire, and dragging them down the freeway.

What happened to Darwin and selective evolution? Normally these people would have been removed from the gene pool long ago due to mental retardation and poor impulse control. The people I am talking about are known by many names; oxygen thieves, retards, social rejects and just plain butt pirates.

To all of these people I would just like to say, your mother should have swallowed you.

Thank you for that,
AOS

Mental Paralysis

When I was little, (shorter then I am now) I used to think the handicap sign was a man sitting on a toilet. With that said, I would like to thank all the retarded individuals that ride those electric scooters around Walmart simply because they are to lazy to walk. Thank you for taking a proverbial crap on the toilet that is self respect. I love waiting for your slow, feeble ass, so please, take your time. Whatever you do, do not utilize your legs. But before I finish, let me present you with two options; A) get off your ass, or B) die. Just like any person faced with permanent paralysis (in your case, mental paralysis) you have to decide if life is worth living. Personally, I think you are worth more then all the gems in the world.

Thank you for that,
AOS

Not Pregnant, Just Fat

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, but lately I have been despising some pregnant women. I detest women who get pregnant so they no longer have to exercise and/or suck in their flab, who make the excuse that they can eat anything and everything in sight because "they're eating for two". I hate women who, when they are only four weeks along, barely enough time for a pee stick to detect the hCG hormone in their urine, push out their stomach to make them look six months along. Your baby isn't even the size of a peanut, retard. Come on women, the idea is to look smaller, so you have a better chance at getting your body back after the baby. Finally, why do women always rub and itch their bulbous stomachs in public, people really don't want to see you do that, so put your hands down.

Thank you for that,
AOS

Thanks

I would just like to thank all the intellectual giants that inspired me to create this blog. Thank you for always being you, regardless of basic social skills, and common sense. I am talking about the people that make me see the value of humanity in general. It does my heart good to have a conversation that makes no sense at all, and ends with me walking away, shaking my head, and wondering why I don't slit my wrists in the bathroom. Thank you for all the suffering you put me through.

For all you people who, for one reason or another, (or possibly multiple reasons) become offended by my comments, I promise I will not cry myself to sleep at night, so please feel free to keep it to yourself.

If for some reason you read a post and think it might be about you, don't worry, it probably is.

We all do stupid things, and in my personal opinion if every person on earth died tomorrow it would probably be for the best. I believe procreation should require a licence. Ugly, stupid, downright worthless people should just forget about it and intelligent, attractive people should be financially rewarded.

Although my views may seem rather bleak, there are a few select humans that I do find value, and should be allowed to live. Everyone else, please go into your bedroom and find a way to painfully end your life.

Thank you for that,
AOS

Warning: Viewer Discretion Advised

For my first post I would just like to warn readers that this blog contains extreme, sarcastic content that may cause seizures and/or severe head trauma.